Every now and again I allow myself the delicious indulgence to cry. It doesn’t happen very often, as I am an extremely self-controlled individual that is not one to give myself over too many indulgences. I am restrained, and sometimes quite subdued, especially when I am angry, upset or frustrated this control often belies the fiery personality that I resides below this shell of restraint. Occasionally I just let go, and people are quite often surprised at how forceful my personality can be.
I have, quite unfortunately been crying quite a bit lately, today, yesterday and a few days before, and even a day or two the week before. Weak, unprotected and exposed is how this action makes me feel, hurting so much mentally and emotionally that I tremble at the thought of my own emotions.
Emotions. Oh how hateful they are! Especially when they go your way one day and are against you the next. To keep my mind off the things in my mind, I have been pushing myself physically, at work, in class, and with my studio group and last night my body had enough…I had worked hard in the woodshop at school, and met the girls from my studio right after, working from 1-3:30pm and when I met my friend Amber to go back home to my apartment, I was exhausted…even the train ride was tiring. When we got to my house we talked for an hour or so, I took a shower to wash away the grit of the day and then began to make dinner together and it was then that it hit…I was trying to listen to her speak but I couldn’t hear, everything began to blur and fade. I stopped washing dishes and filled a glass of water, turning to face her as I leaned back to steady myself, it didn’t help, she asked if I was okay, I said “yes” but it wasn’t quite true, I said “ I think I need to sit down for a minute” and walked to my couch. I lay there a moment wondering why I was hurting so much but couldn’t feel anything. I tried to get up three different times but realized that I couldn’t, my body couldn’t handle it. This breakdown, I discovered was caused by a stress filled week where I’d over-worked my body and failed to give it proper rest and nourishment, its never a good idea for me to physically work hard and expect my body to be okay when I haven’t had enough water and my meals consisted of a snack here an there of a pear, some grapes and a few carrots…usually I am more well rounded, but my mind was distracted so I didn’t plan properly for my fast metabolism…I am the type that needs lots of good carbs and protein to sustain myself and I just didn’t have it. I’m still not great, as some things in my life aren’t properly resolved but…as this guy at the hardware store said to me the other day…” do you have a job? Are the bills paid? Do you have friends and family that support you? ...then life is good, God is good”. I really can’t complain, because God has given me more than I deserve, so I’ll cry a little and release some emotional stress, and then I’ll pick myself up and go out into the world, work hard and try to spread a little of God’s love and kindness to those who are worse off than me.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Fall Into The City
Occasionally I am subject to a thing I like to call the over-inundation of information, the result of which, is...writers block, a case of having entirely too much to say, that nothing can be said.
It is fall in the city of Chicago. This statement is strange because generally it is first summer, and then winter with nothing in-between, but this year that is not the case, there has been a rash of sunny days and semi-mild weather.
I am concerned at how fast the days are passing, it was not that long ago that I was planning my summer trip to Europe, that event was something that I had been waiting for, almost my entire life…and then when it came, well some things seemed irrelevant whilst others gained in importance. I learned how to live.
It’s not as if I wasn’t living before, but this has been something altogether different. I had to be self-sufficient, and self denying, I managed to deal with being apart from those I love, and that was the hardest part…I don’t think I dealt very well, to be perfectly honest, but I got through.
This past summer was one of the most painful and exciting few months in my life. I’m sure I will be writing about it more later,
Right now, I’m just trying to break the block and get something out.
The picture posted with this blog is a view of Paris, my how beautiful it is...