I Work Better in color...

“I work better in color” …. -Me
“Life is better in color”- Bree
“I get confused in Black &White” –me

Note: you should write a quote book of all the funny things that you, and others say.
“I had a quote wall… and every time someone came in and said something funny or ….we wrote it on the wall.” –Bree

What does that mean? What is color? And why do we love it so much? And if I work better in color, why is it that the palette in which I live my life [the clothes I wear etc.] is made up of so many shades of grey? I ask you, why?
Is it because a little bit of color goes a long way? That when you have so many colors and pattern the beauty of each becomes blurred and nothing makes sense…they negate each other, and become neutral. Is it because the enthralling beauty of color, pattern and texture are better seen against the plain, the ‘boring’, the neutral... these things are experienced to their fullest extent when they are touched, caressed, loved and lived in moderation, for it is in this moderation that they are expanded and their purposed fulfilled. Why does that scarlet red dress stand from the crowd? If not for the sea of grey to bring it out, making it brighter, more relevant and oh, so elegant and alluring. It caused the blood to rush to our heads and hearts causing us to experience life in a whole new way, thinking things we’d never have thought when confronted with a cloud-like grey.

Winter is approaching

It is cold outside today...It isn't just my mood.
Generally I like grey days, which is exactly what this is, but not when I have to leave my warm apartment for no other reason than to work...don't get me wrong, I don't mind working, but I hate going to school, the cold hard studio floor, the overpriced uncomfortable chairs to do a project that I don't know how to execute no matter how much I 'understand' what to do, I don't know how to actually do it! It is this that frustrates me. I feel as if all the good things in my life are sliding farther and farther away from me- I’m grasping at the proverbial straws and coming up with nothing…I want my friends, all of them, I want my man, and my family… I’m just tired of being alone and on my own.

History

Yesterday...Tuesday November 4th, 2008. A moment that will forever be remembered as a defining moment in American history- the election of Barack Obama as the first African-American President of the United States Of America...and I was in the city of Chicago when it all occurred... the tense waiting while the votes were counted, the gracious concession speech of the opposing candidate and the historic address to the nation of the President elect... It is historic.
I may not believe in all of his ideals or agree with all of his policies I will support our leader and pray that God will use him as an instrument of change and growth.

One Minute

I have but a minute, so a minute I will take, to type, to write to document.... This life is but a vapor and I am but a flame and some day we'll all go up in the smoke that we make burning rubber as we fly down the Highway of life... My minute is over and my writing is done, but hopefully I can still get something done

Delicious Indulgence…10/23-26/08

Every now and again I allow myself the delicious indulgence to cry. It doesn’t happen very often, as I am an extremely self-controlled individual that is not one to give myself over too many indulgences. I am restrained, and sometimes quite subdued, especially when I am angry, upset or frustrated this control often belies the fiery personality that I resides below this shell of restraint. Occasionally I just let go, and people are quite often surprised at how forceful my personality can be.
I have, quite unfortunately been crying quite a bit lately, today, yesterday and a few days before, and even a day or two the week before. Weak, unprotected and exposed is how this action makes me feel, hurting so much mentally and emotionally that I tremble at the thought of my own emotions.
Emotions. Oh how hateful they are! Especially when they go your way one day and are against you the next. To keep my mind off the things in my mind, I have been pushing myself physically, at work, in class, and with my studio group and last night my body had enough…I had worked hard in the woodshop at school, and met the girls from my studio right after, working from 1-3:30pm and when I met my friend Amber to go back home to my apartment, I was exhausted…even the train ride was tiring. When we got to my house we talked for an hour or so, I took a shower to wash away the grit of the day and then began to make dinner together and it was then that it hit…I was trying to listen to her speak but I couldn’t hear, everything began to blur and fade. I stopped washing dishes and filled a glass of water, turning to face her as I leaned back to steady myself, it didn’t help, she asked if I was okay, I said “yes” but it wasn’t quite true, I said “ I think I need to sit down for a minute” and walked to my couch. I lay there a moment wondering why I was hurting so much but couldn’t feel anything. I tried to get up three different times but realized that I couldn’t, my body couldn’t handle it. This breakdown, I discovered was caused by a stress filled week where I’d over-worked my body and failed to give it proper rest and nourishment, its never a good idea for me to physically work hard and expect my body to be okay when I haven’t had enough water and my meals consisted of a snack here an there of a pear, some grapes and a few carrots…usually I am more well rounded, but my mind was distracted so I didn’t plan properly for my fast metabolism…I am the type that needs lots of good carbs and protein to sustain myself and I just didn’t have it. I’m still not great, as some things in my life aren’t properly resolved but…as this guy at the hardware store said to me the other day…” do you have a job? Are the bills paid? Do you have friends and family that support you? ...then life is good, God is good”. I really can’t complain, because God has given me more than I deserve, so I’ll cry a little and release some emotional stress, and then I’ll pick myself up and go out into the world, work hard and try to spread a little of God’s love and kindness to those who are worse off than me.

Fall Into The City

Occasionally I am subject to a thing I like to call the over-inundation of information, the result of which, is...writers block, a case of having entirely too much to say, that nothing can be said.
It is fall in the city of Chicago. This statement is strange because generally it is first summer, and then winter with nothing in-between, but this year that is not the case, there has been a rash of sunny days and semi-mild weather.
I am concerned at how fast the days are passing, it was not that long ago that I was planning my summer trip to Europe, that event was something that I had been waiting for, almost my entire life…and then when it came, well some things seemed irrelevant whilst others gained in importance. I learned how to live.
It’s not as if I wasn’t living before, but this has been something altogether different. I had to be self-sufficient, and self denying, I managed to deal with being apart from those I love, and that was the hardest part…I don’t think I dealt very well, to be perfectly honest, but I got through.
This past summer was one of the most painful and exciting few months in my life. I’m sure I will be writing about it more later,
Right now, I’m just trying to break the block and get something out.
The picture posted with this blog is a view of Paris, my how beautiful it is...

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane

Ohhh, my goodness!
I can't believe I'm leaving for Europe tomorrow! I am scared, and I don't mind saying it. I'm so tired and stressed out...I just hope that this trip is worth all of the crap I went through [and am still going through] to to get here or there or wherever. Did I mention that I am currently more than irritated with the admin. at my school...I don't know why things have to be so complicated!!!
I haven't been able to sleep the past few weeks and I don't think that that will change until I get back to my bed in Chicago, or at the very least home in Tulsa again...I really just want to see my man, he makes me feel comfortable no matter how stressful my life becomes. I love him quite a lot.
I'll be taking tons of photos...Everyone has said to do that, so I suppose I will have to do that.
ugh...I hate packing. I hope I have everything I need.
Things to get...for others, and maybe something for me
A mint for a family friend
something for Karen
Pictures for 'everyone and their brother [a special one for my man, of me in the dress he bought for me, in France ]
Something nice for Rachel[she lent me her camera for the trip]
French milled soap
Something for my best friends Amber, Tierza, Maggie, Emily, Valerie
Something in French... for Jeni my amazing friend
I can't wait to taste the food, see the sights, visit the shops and just soak it all in...
Well, I suppose that I should get the rest of my stuff packed and head to bed, especially since i still need to pick up my allergy medicine, call my Guy and get to the airport with my sisters to begin the first leg of my European journey this next month. because I'll ba gone a month!!!

All My Love

When you hold me
• You have all my Love
When you look at me
• You have all my Love
When you read to me
• You have all my Love
When you love me
• You have all my Love
When you love others
• You have all my Love
When you walk with me
• You have all my Love
When you challenge me
• You have all my Love
When you encourage me
• You have all my Love
When you tease me
• You have all my Love
When you squeeze me
• You have all my Love
When we touch
• You have all my Love
When we kiss
• You have all my Love
When we talk
• You have all my Love
When we dance
• You have all my Love
When I See you
• You have all my Love
You Are...
•All My Love

How Things are

I was so excited to be home, but sometimes being home comes with it’s own set of complications- and sometimes the feeling that one can get nothing done! And that while you are with ones you love you are away from others you love and care for.
Today was exciting and disappointing at the same time. It was disappointing because I wasn’t with the Man I love when he was going through so much [attending a wake for his grandmother and seeing family that he’d not spoken to in a long time]. My other disappointment was nothing really important, it was just me driving across town to go visit my favorite coffee place [Double Shot Coffee Co.] The good thing was that my Mom and I got some stuff together that my school needed that will make my life so much easier when they get their job done.
Ohhh so good. I just spoke with my Man and today went as well as it could despite some minor annoyances. I was just excited when he called and sounded almost normal! That really made my day, along with the fact that I got to see both Ellen and Jenny D. when we met with the others concerning our trip to England. I am very excited about Jenny coming on the trip because it means just one more cool person to hang out with, drink coffee with, do yoga, make food, shop, hike [less hiking, more fun having] and generally have fun!
I am so blessed.

Leaving a Home for Home

It is Tuesday, and I've only been home Six days...yet it seems like so much longer

I left Chicago by Plane after being taken to the blue line train by the man I adore.
My Man escorted me to the train today after presenting me this morning with coffee and chocolate chip cookies – I just gave him the keys to my apartment… I was packing the last few things in my carry-on bag and rolling my suitcase towards the door when I was pulled back into the room and pulled into the tenderest of embraces and told that he didn’t like long goodbyes on the platform… As it turns out, neither do I.
After several emotional moments we release one another. I pull him back to me once more before composing myself, grip the handle of my suitcase and roll it out the door, with him trailing behind and locking the door behind us.
As we reach the stairs he takes my suitcase and carries it down after me to the street where we turn right to make the walk to the station. That walk was one of the most painful walks I’ve ever had to make, both of us were silent as we walked the block and a half to the Logan Square train station.
When we reached the stairs to the platform he again picked up my bag and carried it down three flights of steps to the platform, where not 2 minutes later the train I’d asked him to get on rolled in and after he kissed me for the last time and said goodbye with lips and eyes I stepped through the doors to the train that would take me to the plane that would take me away for the summer to my hometown of Tulsa, Okla.
I looked out the window onto the platform as I took my seat and caught his eye as he waved goodbye in the most dejected manner. I swear, I hate looking into his eyes when he’s less than happy…it makes me so sad.

It was a long ride to the airport that day…so long that I had to call home and talk to my mom and sister while I rode the train, just so I wouldn’t think too much about leaving.
I got to the airport alright. The airport employee that checked me in at the self check-in looked my outfit over when he saw that I was flying stand-by with a first class preference. And after receiving his blessing and a question as to whether or not I had shoes other than the green gel flip flops I was wearing [I did ] I checked my bag and headed for security.
Checking my baggage and getting my boarding pass was a breeze as was going through security despite the woman in front of me holding up the line a bit when she had to have her stuff inspected. But after replacing my laptop in my carry-on and making my way to a waiting area I replaced my flip-flops with a more demure pair of black pointy flats with brassy buckle tops to go with the grey slacks and hunter green tank that I paired with a lovely lime colored cropped short sleeved sweater.
I love the fact that you never know when and where you might meet someone you know. After sitting for but a moment in the lounge area at my gate I looked across the lounge and noticed a tall blond haired man intent on the book he was reading, I got up from my seat and walked over after realizing it that it was a friend of mine who was also on his way home.
I would much rather converse with a friend than sit alone while waiting to board. It was also nice having a friend after my rough mornings goodbye, as well as the gate change and later leave time for our flight. Richard, as he is called is attending Law school after several years teaching…he is much like another friend who is doing basically the same thing.
We had a nice talk before the flight. I got first class, thanks to a friend of the family who makes it possible for me to fly stand-by. I again was seated next to another middle aged businessman I’m at least glad that he didn’t try to strike up a conversation... those sort of passengers are so annoying.

Things

So much has happened recently that I don’t exactly know where to start. My last day at my Job was Monday the 26th, I was actually scheduled for 15 hours this week. It was a Mon/Wed week with the hours spit between the two days, even though I wouldn’t be working again ‘til the end of July, given the fact that I was leaving Chicago for my home in Tulsa. I was anticipating and dreading that day like none other. I love Tulsa, my Family, Church and going home to see friends but this time it was different… I feel as thought I am being pulled ( gently) in two directions.
On the one hand I have my family, my home and Church that all mean the world to me and I to them, but now I also have my school, my friends, and the man that I love.
I am continually amazed at the depth of his character and love for me.
Did I mention that he bought me the loveliest dress? Well, I mentioned that I liked a particular dress at the store I work at and he asked where it was located one day while he was out- after looking at the dress he mentioned that he liked it and imagined that I would look quite pretty in it. A couple of days later he shows up at my Apartment with a bag that had a very nice men’s button-up shirt…this was after he said that he had nothing to match the dress.
To which I replied “it’s white, it goes with everything”
A few weeks go by and I’ve not bought the dress[it’s not an inexpensive dress for a working student ] and He asked if I had bought the dress yet…I had not, but he bought a charcoal grey fedora that he thought would be perfect with the dress. I can’t believe that a week or so later he says to me, I have something for you…and he hands me some folded bills and essentially says ‘go but that dress! I don’t want them to run out of your size’. Oh, how could he! I don’t know anyone more thoughtful.

Life-Reality...Things Experienced

I'm tired...this weekend- well the past few weeks really, have just drained me. I dislike stress and complications and they just seem to follow me about, as if we're attached at the proverbial hip.

Have you ever sat next to someone whom you are head-over-heels for, and are unable to say a word? I experienced this feeling recently- more like a few hours ago- I have so much to say, but as I've found, the things you want to say to those you love the most are often the things that are the most difficult- I don't know if it is fear, restraint, self-preservation, or thoughtfulness for the other, but I think that most of the time it's really just fear. The fear that what you say, might hurt- them or you, it doesn’t matter who- but either way the things never get said, the actions, rarely displayed, I pray that God will give me the strength and the courage to show others the love I have for them [the love that God has given to me].


I think that later I’ll recount the events of the weekend in greater detail, the cookout we had went quite well and many things were thought about and many more went unspoken, but it’ll be fine.
I hope that things will fall into place and go quite well.

Life, Stress and Traveling

I don't know about life sometimes...quite often things are just a pain in the derriere. Take traveling for instance and school [Higher Education in this particular case, but I'm sure it applies to more], both are amazing an wonderful things for a person like unto myself. I like to know things, learn, discover, I'm naturally curious to know how things work and how other people like to do them. But I really hate and I truly mean hate, not strongly dislike, but hate certain aspects of travel and the current educational system that is being utilized in America today.
Organization is so important in travel and education, but sometimes I believe that schools today are so departmentalized and hyper-organized that they, in-fact are so far from actually being simplified organizational systems to being highly complex and confusing, completely defeating the purpose of being organized, which is creating a simpler way to do complex things. Its very similar, I feel, to a math problem...on the one hand you can go through pages and pages of complex equations just to find the solution to a particular problem, or as there always is in math, you can utilize a simpler formula/ equation and come up with the same exact solution to the problem without having to jump through any hoops or taking any unnecessary steps...you just do it and there it is.
Well, I'm done trying to figure that one out.

'Free' Time- Even Free time isn't Free

This is such a strange feeling por moi... having free time that is, It is something I don't quite know how to handle having it. and it is really only for part of this week.
I don't know what I am going to do this summer, well actually I do, and that may be part of it. I am a bit apprehensive about it, but hopefully when I'm in the middle of it, it'll be OK.
I am not a world traveler, in fact I'm really not even a country traveler, I've really only been to a few places in my own lovely country and mostly just in the middle region, or the Midwest as many call it. The biggest jump for me was moving to Chicago from Tulsa [my favorite city of all time] for school. Doing that has been one of the best and often the most lonely thing I've ever done. Thank God the loneliness has abated some...I still miss my family immensely, but God has provided me with an abundance of wonderful people to keep me going, not to mention the opportunity to meet the most wonderful man... I am astounded at how good God is to me, one who definitely does not deserve it.
Currently I am planning what I need to pack for my trip. [I'm going to Europe for the summer, from June 13th to July 14th] It is so stressful!
I am not sure what to pack, how to act, what to think, and how to plan... I like to be prepared for anything and everything which means that often I over pack and carry around things that 'might' be needed in some random circumstance but usually are just an extra weight in my bag.
My Man, as I call him bought a PlayStation3 [so he will have something to do over the summer] he said that with his cousin and best friend both moving this summer as well as me, going to Europe, he will have nothing to do. I know that I will miss him...a lot. But it is good that this trip was already planned before we met, because if not, I probably would not have gone and it is something that I have to do.
Alright, enough of this...I've got a few more things to write and even more to pack

This Day and The Other

Today is a bright and sunny Sunday, the beginning of a crazy- busy week. Next week are all my final crits and papers, all the big ones are on Tuesday and the rest are Friday.
I'm still trying to figure out how the semester got away from me... and what, if anything, I learned.
London's callin'.... Hopefully France too, but that one's on hold for now.
Besides traveling , I'm trying to sort out life, love and all of that. What I mean is, It's all clear, but it's still complicated.
I truely believe that I've found that person with whom I can share his intrests while still enjoying my own. My! What a challenge, but a good one. There aren't many people who can call me on my crap [only my closest friends] but this one can and more, I really have to think to keep it going... and that is amazingly awesome! I love that.

LIFE. And so it goes....

"Who am I?
Who are you?
I don't know
We're both Cuckoo"
- Leone Reeves
...this was part of a improv song/saying that my friend Leone said while we were working this thursday with Michael. I've decided to call these lovely thursday mornings working with the two of them 'Thursday Sessions' and truely believe they should be recorded, it was me mentioning this that prompted the recording of a 'music video' in the SFS Studio this thursday the 17th of April 2008...it was quite amazing! Youtube. Just search 'We don't want to lose YOUR love' which is a rendition of Outfields song of a similar name and that's all I'm going to say about that!
Ok, Jeni this is for you...

*************

Yesterday, it was one month exactly since the first 'official' date, we skipped the movie and just had dinner at the place we went that night.
It was a balmy evening with people out everywhere...quite dfferent from the first night we went to Dunlay's in Logan Square.
Dunlays, it seems is a place which morphs into different forms depending on the mood and function that is needed.
I'll have to elaborate on the two moods we've experiance there thus far, but for now I'll tell you that my live has irrevocably changed since that night and I am so thankful that I found who I did, when I did...God has such wonderful timing even when we don't understand.
It is amazing how sure I am of something that happened so suddenly... I don't want to jinx it but...what do I care? I don't believe in that suff anyway so... I am quite sure that this, this amazing thing just might last forever. And while that might seem scary to some, I'm okay....
More to come

Completely Enamored....

Enamored
Smitten
Head-over-Heels
Endearing
***
Well, Jeni said I must write, so I will write.
My life continues at warp speed and at times I am completely unsure what to make of it, only that I love it. Life isn't easy but right now, for me, it's wonderful. I know that it's hard, but it doesn't seem to matter. There is always so much to do, places to go, things to see that it's as if there won't be time to do it all. I don't much care to see all those other people right now, I mean they are there, but...
****
It's only been two days but it feels like a lifetime
The moments seem to creep slowly by when I'm waiting and wishing them godspeed
I think a thought...remember a time
I bow my head in bashful remembrance and blush at the thought
I've never been like this before so giddy and excited
So I'll hold back a bit just to see how the cookie crumbles
and then we'll go from there

Walking on Air!

I feel weightness
Life is tilting, whirling spinning and I think that I'm winning!
Comfort, complete control...Life is utterly unexpected at times
Sneeking up and suprising us with greatness!
It all came so fast... I hope that it all lasts.

Sleepless Nights....

Today is Tuesday...No, wait! It’s Wednesday, and I’ve had approximately 2- 1/2 hours sleep in the past 2 days, but oddly enough I'm doing okay.
Well, if okay is getting incredibly shaky in the middle of the day and going home after my second class today, then I’m okay. You see, Tuesdays are my long days; I am at school from 9am-9pm. I basically have 3 back-to-back classes, starting with my 9-4pm studio, with an hour lunch break, back to class and when that one concludes at 4 o’clock I have a few minutes to get my belongings packed away and somehow make down that interminably long hallway in the AIADO Dept. at my school and be in my next class and ready to show my homework by 4:15pm. It’s a bit crazy, but that’s what I do.
After my Lab, which is more like a lecture/seminar type class with more homework than is necessary for a 1.5 credit class I dash off to my 6 o’clock, which runs ‘til 9pm. This is the class I missed today, I was incredibly lucky that my Lab class concluded early today and I got to take a moment to collect myself and talk a bit with a couple of friends, one of which was supposed to be in the same 6 o’clock class [He skipped too] I didn’t feel too bad about it, because I felt so bad. I had done fine pretty much the entire day, I made sure to bring good food with me to keep my body fueled, but I think that after the field visit for my studio, which took us to the basement of a historic Chicago building, and with all of the temperature and air quality changes I think that it just sent me over the edge, physically. I needed to get home, eat and get a little rest, which I did, but after only a couple of hours I was woken up by a phone call from my little sister asking about our summer travel plans and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I made some rice and ate while watching a movie.
To segue a little I need to comment on the movie, it was a dance movie. I love dance movies! They are my favorite, it doesn’t matter if it’s a musical from the 40’s or a contemporary dance drama, I love them all, and the one I watched tonight just made me want to dance, which is good. I need to do something physical that will help me relax and de-stress, so I’ve decided that until I leave for my summer trip(s) I’m going to take dance classes, starting with ballet and if I can get a partner, hopefully some salsa, or ballroom. I’m so excited, I’m going tomorrow to sign up. Hopefully I can get that and my passport photos done tomorrow. Well, since it’s currently 1:04am and I’ve not really slept, I think I’m going to do that and hope that I get everything done that I need to tomorrow.

Please Don't Call Me Sweetheart

I don’t mean that much to you
So just to see me through
Don’t say the things you do
Sweetheart
Darling
Dear

I can’t see through your eyes
But I see through your disguise
And if I meant that much to you, I’d let you know
So, please don’t call me sweetheart

I can hear it in your voice
I can see it in your face
I can read it in your eyes
I don’t mean that much to you so, until then…
Please don’t call me sweetheart

Breaking Ties and Tying New Ones

I’m close, so close. I’ve been away too long but I’m getting closer and closer. I have a renewed sense of direction, I knew what I wanted and where I need to be but it’s always the getting there. It is like seeing the destination you see from the mountaintop but without fully realizing the vastness of the valley between.
I’ve come to the realization of several things these past couple of months, and am quite excited of things to come, no matter how hard things may get, I’m ready! I think…No, I am.
I’m breaking ties, tying new ones and strengthening others, it’s a good life!
I am so thankful that I am where I am and not where I could be, and on my way to where I should be.

Who, What? Where? When And Last but not Least...How?

I have so many things swooshing around in my head, and yes I did use the "I'm not sure if it's a word, word swooshing".
My life has been moving non-stop while concurrently moving about as fast as cold molasses. I don’t know how so say that over the past few months there have been oh so many ups, downs, highs, lows shake-ups and break-ups…. Well I don’t know about that exactly, but it sounded good when written.
My brother went away to war, is that PC? [politically correct as ‘they’ say] and another came home from it, while still another waits his time away. So many disappointments and precious few pleasures, sometimes I feel as though I’m being a bit melodramatic and maybe I am, but all I’m trying to do now is get back on the right track. I’ve got too many trains of thought going and more than one of them have been derailed. I’m sleeping now…maybe I can actually do that this time, and maybe I’ll get back to writing this and other things…and not abandon it before it’s time to move on….
I think that if anyone else were me, or were where I am at this moment, they might say that they are confused or unsure about where they were, what they were doing or going…but the funny thing is that I have this uncanny ability to accurately critique and analyze my own path and direction in life. Although I’m unsure as of yet whether this is a help to me or not, but hopefully that will work it’s way out. I’m not confused, I’m just stalled and for the record, “I hate it!” I just want to move forward.
I know what I want to “do” with my life, I know what I want and where I want to go, it’s the “getting there” that seems to be the issue and all of the things that have to be done to do so…I see a straight path, a clear direction but life, as it seems is not that clear and the path is not direct. So I suppose I must be circumspect and I expect I will eventually arrive. This is not an arrival that ends, but rather one in which life begins.