Hugging and Such

I was asked for a hug today, and anyone who knows me at all really would read this laugh, and then asked what I did to the offending questioner.
My good friends know that I am a non-affectionate individual, meaning I have a large personal bubble, or that I hate touching.
This sentiment comes with good reason in my own mind, but in the minds of others it seems strange and I come off more than a little harsh and distant. It isn’t as though I don’t like people, well sometimes I don’t, it’s just that touch equals trust and generally that means a very large amount of my trust, which I don’t give away that easily.
It is a bit upsetting even to myself, that it takes me such a long time to be comfortable with people, I don’t really hug much in my own family. I’m the only one who can get out of the whole “group hug” scenario after someone gets upset or whatever, so either way a hug from me seems to be a rare thing and a hot commodity among friends of mine. A few have even conversed about how many hugs I have given compared to the length of time I have known them and other random things like that. I have also had a few friends who thought that the best way to get one of my now infamous hugs was to steal them.
The first debacle occurred one night after I had declined the ‘honor’ of giving the traditional goodbye hug to a couple of my guy friends and after leaving a local Brookside coffee house in Tulsa I was caught between the two of them and given the biggest “bear-hug, sandwich” combo you can ever imagine. This was not fun at all especially since I am not a large person, and me only weighing barely 100 lbs at the time, I was one small individual, albeit I was decently tall, this didn’t help me when I was smashed between two teenage boys who had at least 60 lbs or more, on me. After screaming, kicking and hitting them on the head for a good 2min or longer, they finally let me go, I had kicked them both in the legs and they decided to let me go before I bruised them anymore. Now, even after several years have passed since this incident I am still wary of them every time I see them, together or separate, because they thought it would be quite hilarious if they bestowed me with a “bear-hug” every time they saw me.
This brings me to the second major instance of theft, annoyance, and discomfort of my person. I have a very tall and goofy friend who wondered why I always refrained from sitting too close to other friends of ours at restaurants and the like, so I informed him of my little personality quirk with the help of a few mutual friends who tried, unsuccessfully to make him understand that it wasn’t, normally directed at any one person, but to people in general. Well, one evening I was saying bye to a group of my friends and I gave a hug to a particular friend, and when my other friend noticed this he immediately asked why I wouldn’t ever give him a hug. I told him “no offence, but I’d known the other individual for more than half my life and that we were very close friends” another friend chimed in that she’d known me about the same amount of time and had only received a couple of hugs herself, and it was just how it was, plus she said, it made it all the more special when you actually got one.
Weird, I know, some friends get them sooner than others, it just depends. Anyway, the aforementioned goofy guy friend decided that either way he was going to get a hug, so while I was talking to a friend, and even after being warned against it by numerous individuals, he grabs me from the side and I get swallowed up inside is suit jacket. Did I mention that he is more than a few inches over 6ft and I am not, why is it I am always getting some guy wrapping his arms around me without asking? Not that I don’t like the guy, I just don’t want to go touching someone else without good reason, and him just wanting a hug, just because I generally don’t give them is not good enough for me.
Well, that brings me back to the question asked of me this morning, which I had to turn down. I was actually sorry about that one, because he did ask and he really didn’t understand why I got kind of awkward when I said I don’t really do that sort of thing. Plus, he apparently had a rough couple of weeks and a hard morning, after I said that I told him something, I don’t know and I reached across the table that he had just laid his head on seemingly in frustration and fatigue and kind of patted his shoulder. He actually rolled his eyes at me, gave me a really strange look and said something like “Ooookay, I’m going to go now” or something along those lines.
I know I’m a dork but give me a break, I’m not any stranger than half the other people that you meet every day. Really though, would you rather I just threw myself at you? Or would it be better if I went around hugging people all day? I think not. I may not be the most physically affectionate person out there but I think that I do all right. Plus when it really counts I’m there, I really can’t do much more than that. Hopefully I will get better in the comforting and encouraging department; apparently I’m a little distant.
Ahh, what a tangled webs we weave.

My Jam-packed Sunday

[Sunday April, 15th 2007]
I should be tired right now, and I suppose I am in some ways but… I think that if this day were that much longer it would be that much better.
I woke up before my roommate this morning which was odd because I didn’t get to sleep until well after she went to bed and while I was in bed, my thoughts assaulted me for a good two or more hours after going to bed around 1:45am.
I’m pretty sure that I thought about almost every aspect of my life in those sleepless hours, from projects, assignments, work, and the events of the past few days and even weeks of my life as well as the things that I am sure will happen and a few things I’m unsure of but am hoping will occur. I promptly fell asleep again after I realized that I unfortunately had nowhere to be until 2:30pm or so.
I woke up again a few hours later, having slept a few hours later than I really wanted to, my roommate had gone and I was guaranteed at least 6 or so hours to myself. I kind of halfway rolled and stepped out of my bed, after fumbling for my glasses. I walked to my computer, checked the time and the weather and took about 2 steps to my closet and pulled out some jeans a long-sleeved grey shirt to layer over my camisole of the same color and a vintage black tee that belonged at one point to my Mom.
I took these items to the bathroom and took a really nice shower, after which I attempted to make pancakes that required eggs without any eggs (I’d run out) this of course was a bad idea and I knew better, I should have used the last of my half gallon of milk to eat cereal, but I couldn’t do something as simple as that. So I made decent-looking pumpkin pancakes that were not quite right. I was more than slightly disappointed, especially after reading reviews the night before about several great brunch locations in Chicago, complete with pictures of amazing looking food. I ate the pancakes anyway, and while I was getting ready for Frisbee I pulled out my yoga mat and did a few of the poses I still remembered. Then I asked Ben (on ichat) if/when he was going to Frisbee, he said he was and after a few min I finished getting ready and was about to go downstairs and get him when I opened my door and there he was, standing there with his arm up, ready to knock on my door. We both just stopped, smiled and started laughing, I said something about us both having good timing and we got on the elevator and headed downstairs to wait for Bree and Tom, so we could walk over to the park to meet up with everyone else to play Frisbee.
On our way over we passed 3 guys trying to throw around in Millennium Park and I said something about it, like we should ask them to play with us, before they get thrown out of the park for actually using a park like it should be used. Anyway, Bree decided to take me literally and she walked over to them and asked them if they wanted to play with us, she told them where to go and a few min after we got to the field we normally play on, these three guys showed up and we all introduced ourselves. We decided to throw around while we waited on everyone else to show up, but only Danielle and Peter showed up after our group got there.
Well I must say that for being such a small group on an awesomely wonderful day, we played so stinkin’ hard I am still recovering. I am not your athletic type of girl but I’m pretty sure that in the couple of hours that I played (and I played the whole time, there was no subbing out because there were just enough people to play 4on5 at first [they wouldn’t let me sit out] and then after about 5 min of play someone else showed up, I joined the other team, to be more even in talent, he’s awesome and I’m just so so, and from there we went almost non-stop) I must have ran more than I ever have in my life, I am exaggerating of course, but I was seriously considering pulling out the inhaler.
I really hate that thing. Albuterol is such nasty stuff, it makes your mouth dry and leaves an awful taste in your mouth that doesn’t go away, not to mention the fact that it leaves me jittery and kind of sick-feeling, I don’t care for prescription drugs in general, the way I see it, if I’m not going to indulge in the illegal kind why would I ever use the legal kind? Unless of course it was absolutely necessary, as in the case of my exercise- induced asthma, this is a small portion of why I’m not an overly athletic individual.
I really wish I rode my bike more though, I haven’t ridden a bike, and I mean every-day leisure or exercise, doesn’t matter, in probably 5 years. It is quite sad, especially since it was one of my favorite activities, pretty much my only real activity, when I was younger. There are many reasons why that activity slackened off, but that is something to discuss another time.
The Frisbee game went quite well, the other team won, but that was because Tom’s foot got stepped on, Danielle got fell on, the other guy got hit and that was no good, as for me and Ross(one of the guys we met, who is a chef) neither one of us were breathing to easily, me because of all the running, and him because of all the smoking he’d apparently done the night before. I was then asked if I’d attended the same party he was at the night before in Belmont, to which I replied “nope, I was studying” Danielle said “Good!” I’m pretty sure she thought it was got that I refrain from parties such as that, I would tend to agree. If the party consists of large amounts of alcohol being consumed in conjunction with the smoking of an entire pack of cigarettes by one individual, it’s not my kind of party. That is not to say I don’t like parties, I absolutely love them, especially when they involve lots of/sometimes few friends, possibly music, food(that’s a given, although not always necessary) and a fair amount of good conversation, I live for witty and meaningful conversation, it doesn’t even have to be meaningful if its just pain funny. Anyway after the game, Tom and I walked back to the building, because the rest of the group were going to throw around a little more, but since Tom hurt his foot(one of the guys stepped on it, it was getting pretty swollen) and I was tired, we headed back together. Along the way back we checked out the surrounding architecture and commented on the different building styles and the presence that they exude when you really look at them. It was a cool conversation, I always like hearing other peoples views on the environment around them.
When we got back to the Chicago Building, I headed to my room after the elevator emptied on the trip up to m floor, and when I got to my room I made a grocery list and decided that two weeks was to long to avoid going to buy groceries. This was not a smart thing to avoid, especially since I am leaving to go home on Tuesday, for an entire week, but taking this fact in to consideration I only got half of the things I normally would and those are things that I will finish in a couple of days and the rest are non-perishable, so I feel as though I did alright. After I went shopping and made it back in under and hour(which is pretty good, if I must say) I made dinner and sat back to relax and unwind with a movie, and while I was finishing the movie my phone started going crazy, and I jumped up ran across the room, trying to get my phone out of my coat pocket before it went to voicemail. I made it! My friend Jimmy was on the phone, just calling to say “hi” and to give me a break from working before he told me to get back to work! Jimmy’s fun like that, he likes to give me “advice” such as what shots to avoid if ever I decide to become a drinker, and he also mentioned the particular lure of Guinness and that the “Long Island Ice Tea” was something that was best left in Long Island. I told him that his concerns were duly noted and that I will be sure not to take a shot that in any way refers to Van Gogh’s Starry Starry Night, nor will I be indulging in that particular type of iced tea. It was such a funny conversation.
I went to the 162 in search of an art exhibition that a friend was supposedly in, but I couldn’t find it, so I talked to Margarite and half-watched “Forrest Gump” before I walked home to pack for my Tuesday morning flight.

Thursday Last (March, 29)

It has been a while…
There is much to say, but so much that I don’t know how to fit it all in. It will come eventually.


Oohh, I got a little bit irritated yesterday {Thursday, that is}. Thank goodness Margarite was there and at various times during the evening gave me a little talking to, so I wouldn’t be upset over something stupid and inconsequential.
So, we were walking out of class and a not so random person was sitting outside the doors, they were not alone…I was being selfish or maybe even a bit jealous I suppose, so I disregarded the fact that they were oh, so conveniently sitting there when my class let out. I walked by without saying anything, nor did I look back, I was acting a bit childishly but it was with good reason, I suppose. Well, maybe not, but either way it irked me.
I didn’t work this evening; instead I was able to go to an important meeting concerning a project that I am collaborating on. Walking to Randolph and Wells was an experience for me, I walked up State street to Randolph and then over to Wells, I have never really been that direction on foot before and it was nice being outside and seeing what the Theatre district in Chicago looks like at 5:30 in the afternoon.
When I got to the corner I met up with Evan, Jotyika and Ruth, a minute later or two later. And we headed to the South side of Chicago, it was a fun car ride, filled with jokes about Evan’s car and subsequently his driving skills, along with the topic of the impending meeting, and how my class went today. That was a funny conversation… Evan asked me if I had class today, and I replied, “yes I did ” which wasn’t really the funny part.
Then I said that “it was quite boring actually, because it was Art History” when Evan asked how it went.
And Jotyika who was sitting in the back seat with Ruth, asked, “Why, were you fasting?”
I turned back towards her and give her a quizzical look, before I realized what exactly she was asking, and another moment why she would be thinking that.
I said “oh, no. I had a class today, not fasting”
“I don’t do that one very often” then I paused a second and said “I think I like food too much for that.” We all kind of laughed about that one.
The rest of the trip went pretty smoothly, though punctuated with sporadic swearing at other drivers by Evan, and various comments by the others in the car, not to mention the command given by Evan to myself to, hand him my phone so he could show me how some little gadget in his car worked.
The meeting at the community center went well, it provided much insight for the group and me, and gave a number of good ideas to think about.

Clothing… Armor, inspiration…organic sea shapes and rounded hollowed out wood. That is what I’ve got to work with
It can’t be too literal, or even too vague
Each piece has to be the right blend of innovation and inspiration
This is something that one hopes to achieve
And only occasionally does
Lets hope that it’s this time for sure.